Q. I have been dating a guy for the last 3 months and while I enjoy the time I spend with him, there are a few things that concern me. He does not usually make plans ahead of time, doesn’t text or call me much during the weekdays and is usually only available during the weekends. Sometimes he stops by my place unannounced.
Initially I thought he was dating other women, but now I know he is not. He is a busy person and has a lot of guy friends and hangs out with them quite often. It seems to me that I am yearning more for his time and attention than he is and it does bother me that he doesn’t call me enough and plan things ahead of time (I almost get the feeling that he thinks I don’t have much happening in my life). In all my previous relationships, the guys used to do that and doing that makes me feel special and more importantly respected.
I would like to set some personal boundaries with him with regards to our relationship but I am not at all comfortable having this conversation. I feel awkward, nervous and anxious and I fear that I would come across as someone stubborn and desperate.
Any ideas or insights on how I can have this conversation?
A. Thank you for your inquiry. First off, you must dig deep to find the courage to speak your truth to your guy. Nothing can be solved through silence and/or guessing. If he is behaving in a way that is not suitable to how you’d like your relationship to be, it’s time to have a little sit-down and discuss the issues.
Many times, women (and men) are afraid of sharing their truths because they are afraid of losing the relationship. If the relationship is so fragile that your emotions and truths are not an equal part of the union, then you are in the wrong relationship. Long term, healthy relationships are built on open, honest communication, trust, and a willingness on both sides to work for the betterment of the union by honoring and respecting the other persons experience.
If you cannot find the courage within to take the necessary steps for communication, most likely the problem lies within you. This behavior shows a lack of self-worthiness, self-respect and self-love – these three things are vital in taking care of yourself the best way possible.
If you are not feeling worthy or respecting and loving yourself, you cannot expect another to. We teach others how to treat us by setting guidelines through a deep love of self and honest communication. Our person then has the choice to honor us or not to. If they choose the former, awesome! You both are on your way! If they choose the latter, then you must decide if the pros outweigh the cons of the relationship and then make a healthy decision for what is best for you.
Best of luck!
About Kristen Brown
Kristen Brown is an empowerment and spiritual life coach,author and speaker who is highly passionate about facilitating healing in the areas of: betrayal recovery, self-worth discovery, personal empowerment and reclaiming one’s life.
Her motto is: Change yourself and you change your world! To learn more about Kristen or to join her community on Facebook, please reference the sites below.
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